Forget news you can use. Completely useless news you can’t make up is much more fun and can even be educational, as in, “Who did what?”

Forget news you can use. Completely useless news you can’t make up is much more fun and can even be educational, as in, “Who did what?”

- On May 4, a 20-year-old motorist in Northampton, Mass., struck a 50-year-old pedestrian. A bad day probably was made worse for the driver, Brittany Cantrella, after she learned the identity of the victim, who had suffered minor injuries: Lord Jesus Christ.

Cantrella has been charged with failure to yield. Call me a prophet, put I predict that this Jesus, who was properly in the crosswalk at the time he was struck, won’t be turning the other cheek.

- Speaking of Jesus, Comedy Central is kicking around the idea of a cartoon show that would portray Jesus as a 20-something slacker. Hmm, might not want go there.

The network is already under fire from some Islamic fundamentalists who took great offense at recent a “South Park” episode involving the Prophet Muhammad. Some Christians are no less humorless.

- Thirty-three years after Elvis Presley’s death, one of his physicians, Nick Nicopoulos, is claiming the King didn’t die of a heart attack or a drug overdose, as has been endlessly written, but of severe constipation. Some maladies — particularly if they make you look horrifyingly uncool — are better left undiagnosed.

I spy ...

- In Miami, a Transportation Security Administration employee has been charged with aggravated battery after throttling a co-worker for making fun of his, ahem, manhood. The alleged attack occurred after Rolando Negrin and other TSA employees took part in training session for a full-body-image scanner, which produces details of one’s body parts. Negrin claims that when he was scanned, the relentless jokes began, which caused him to snap.

- In a recent interview, former first lady Laura Bush said she has no objection to gay marriage or keeping abortion legal. That sound you just heard was either the eighth sign of the Apocalypse or Rush Limbaugh swallowing a lit cigar.

- Speaking of Rush, a new biography claims that President Barack Obama turned down an invitation from the talk-show titan to play golf. Obama, who makes no pretense at bipartisanship where Limbaugh is concerned, reportedly replied that Rush “can play with himself.”

- Earlier this month, Brandi Smith, 41, was arrested in Douglas County, Nev., after she drove intoxicated to a grocery store and stole a $20 bottle of wine. But wait, there’s more. The off-duty sheriff’s deputy who arrested Smith reported that she drove to the store topless. In a convertible. During a snow squall.

A breathalyzer test showed that Smith, who was already on probation for stealing beer from a convenience store, was double drunk, or twice the legal limit.

A snowstorm in May? Now that’s shocking.

Charita Goshay writes for The Repository in Canton, Ohio. Contact her at charita.goshay@cantonrep.com.