The Rolla Daily News - Rolla, MO
Thoughts and stories from a mom who just ain't right in the head.
LMTFA: It's fake serious business
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By Patti Ford
Patti (Rust) Ford grew up in Rolla and now lives in Houston, Texas where she is a popular blogger and is working on book of humorous essays about her life.
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March 12, 2013 12:01 a.m.

When The Boy was a toddler I suffered through a long and serious bout of LMTFA.
For those of you who aren't in the know, LMTFA (Leave Mom The Frick Alone - Syndrome) is a disorder in which the mother of one or more small children makes the critical and life-saving decision to pretend that she has an extreme irritable bowel disorder so that she can hand her child (or children) over to someone else and sit in the bathroom ALONE for endless amounts of time. The LMTFA sufferer usually spends this time reading, chatting on the phone, texting, Facebooking, or playing Angry Birds. The LMTFA sufferer NEEDS this time alone in order to keep her sanity after never-ending days of being endlessly touched, pulled, prodded, yelled at and cried on every damn day of her life. The LMTFA sufferer MUST have this time alone so that she will not lose her shit and end up selling her offspring on ebay to the first bidder. Or even worse, advertise them for tradesies on Craig's List in exchange for a few boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.
When I had LMTFA I read the complete works of Pat Conroy and Joyce Carol Oates, as well as countless issues of Entertainment Weekly and Us Magazine. Every time I read the "Stars: They're Just Like Us!" section in Us Magazine, I was hoping to see a photo of someone like Demi Moore sitting on her toilet reading some book about Kabbalah while one of her kids slips a piece of paper and a pack of Crayolas under the door and asks her to draw a rainbow. Let's get real here: The BS they put in that magazine about how so and so pumps their own gas or goes to the mall "just like us" is lame-o-rama. If they wanna make us think celebs are anything like us at all, they need to show Gwyneth's perfect little Apple pitching a fit in Whole Foods because she wants some freaking Toll House cookies instead of Quinoa. I'd also like to see Halle Berry's little angel throwing her body against the bathroom door with enough force to break her own bones, while Halle tries to drop a Deuce so that she can fit into her Oscar dress.
THIS is real life.
When The Boy was younger, I never got to poop or pee alone. And I'm the kinda person who, if you talk to me while I'm trying to go, it crawls back up. That's right. I've got potty stage fright. And back then I got interrupted at least 9 outta 10 times that I tried to go. It was worse than living in my college dorm and sharing a bathroom with 30 girls. I don't want an audience when I'm trying to drop the kids off at the pool. Bathroom time is my Zen time.
So, just like in college, I would sneak off in the middle of the night and do my business in secret. Then, nearly every day as soon as The Hub would get home from work, I'd hand The Boy off and say "Thank God you're here! I've GOT to go to the bathroom! Something is really wrong!" and off I'd go to my library. The Hub would keep The Boy away from me because he was under the impression that there was some serious stuff going down in there. Occasionally he would come knock on the door and ask if I was okay, at which point I would make some moaning noises and say something like "It's not good. It's not good at all! Walk away! WALK AWAY!"
In reality I was usually just sitting on my throne, fully clothed, reading The Prince of Tides or an article about how Janet Jackson is addicted to coffee enemas.
It may not seem like an honest thing to do, but it's what moms all over the world do on a daily basis. It's almost impossible to go to the bathroom when a little hand is desperately reaching under the crack in the bathroom door trying to touch your feet because if you are out of their sight for 5 seconds they might combust. When you have a child you usually can't even pee without someone walking in or screaming outside of the door. So we do what we have to do so that we can stay sane. And believe me, our husbands and kids need us to stay sane. We run shit. If we lose our marbles you're all screwed.
^^^^THAT, up there, is a long-winded roundabout Mom-Brainy way of telling you about the new book that myself, along with 36 other amazing mom bloggers, have written. The title is the most perfect title for a book by and for moms EVER in the history of book titles. That's just a fact. And I told you that story about my history with LMTFA so that you can contract a case of it and read this book from the comfort of your own throne.
I am thrilled to be in this book with so many funny women. Each of us has our own writing style and our own stories to tell, so there is totally something for everyone. We're all very proud of it, and super honored that Jen (from People I Want To Punch In The Throat) asked us to be a part of it. And guess what? The book is doing great so far. Check THIS out:
If you wanna order a copy you can do so HERE. That link includes all the different places you can get it. And while you're on Amazon, read the reviews. They're pretty good. If you read the book and like it PLEASE remember to give us a review and tell your friends. It REALLY REALLY REALLY helps us if you leave reviews and spread the word. Click the share button at the bottom of this post and Facebook it, Google + it, Tweet it, email it, Pinterest it, whatever. Word of mouth is everything.
This week I am giving away paperback copy with a special little note inside from me and a picture of me rubbing it all up on my booty. Okay. Maybe not that second part. Maybe I'll just have my unicorn, Lord Burgess Atwood, sprinkle it with the power of unicorn magics. Whatever floats your boat. To enter to win a copy, please comment on this blog with your FULL name and email address. I will pick a winner at random on Friday, March 15th, and announce the winner in my Friday Facebook Wrap-Up post.
****Winners of last week's contest for the Zombie in a Bottle are: Lynn (no last name given), and My Train Has Jumped the Track. I have emailed you both. Please respond by Sunday, March 17th, or I will give the prizes to someone else****
Here is a list of all the amazing women who are in this book with me. Check them out.
People I Want to Punch in the Throat?
Insane in the Mom Brain?
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva?
Baby Sideburns?
Rants From Mommyland?
You Know it Happens at Your House Too?
The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess?
My Life and Kids?
Bad Parenting Moments?
Let Me Start By Saying?
Frugalista Blog
?Suburban Snapshots?
Ninja Mom?
Four Plus an Angel?
Honest Mom?
Binkies and Briefcases?
Naps Happen?
Kelley's Break Room?
Toulouse & Tonic?
Hollow Tree Ventures?
The Fordeville Diaries?
Mom's New Stage?
Nurse Mommy Laughs?
The Dose of Reality?
The Mom of the Year?
Life on Peanut Layne?
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
?Confessions of a Cornfed Girl?
I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping?
Random Handprints
You're My Favorite Today?
Funny is Family?
My Real Life

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