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The Rolla Daily News - Rolla, MO
  • Weinbaum: Sequester this! Apocalypse not!

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  • Want irony? The main reason Obama wanted to beat Romney was so that he, the perpetrator of the worst economy since the Depression, could take credit for its recovery.
    Too bad he can't celebrate right now. Years ago he cooked up the Sequester scheme based on his feint to cuts he never anticipated giving. The deadline was the end of February this year. He got Republicans to agree with this seemingly draconian measure who naively signed on, anticipating that no sensible government would go without a deal in light of that.
    Do these guys go to work every day with a sucker sign glued to their foreheads or what?
    After Dear Leader won, he decided he was so powerful and loved that he could continue to con the American people into more tax increases without giving up any spending cuts and blame it on conservatives. When Boehner bleated that the President got his pound of flesh and there would be no more, Obama doubled down, going on another gloom and doom taxpayer-funded tour campaigning across the fruited planes.
    Barack made Chicken Little optimistic. He preached an amalgamation of poxes on our country—an Armageddon of nightmares so bad he could then slaughter the entire Republican Party if they didn't cave to his tax-raising demands, thus leaving them vulnerable to losing their last bastion of governance, the House.
    He even got his sycophants to regurgitate his ridiculous speculations to a disaster-wary country.
    Air travelers were going to suffer huge delays and cancellations, janitors would be laid off, our military would be devastated, teachers would be fired by the thousands, locusts would plague Egypt and mini-asteroids would slam into earth. Okay, so he was right about the bugs and the space rocks—but everything else was bogus!
    Just after House Republicans stood up and refused to be blackmailed into coercing even more taxes out of an already set-upon citizenry, the Sequester deadline hit. Finally, unlike with Sandy, Republicans got a break with timing.
    We went into Sequestria mode Friday, March first, gritting our teeth and holding our collective breath. After a weekend mini-blizzard, I opened my show that morning singing, I'm dreaming of a white Sequestria, just like the one we had in 1929… It was a celebration. The putzes in the Republican Party finally stood up to the bullies!
    Sure enough, the very first Tuesday of the Sequester, the stock market set a new high—only to be repeated the next two days! Barack Hussein Obama cannot take credit for a post-Sequester juggernaut! Now that's irony! I don't care who you are.
    Obama hasn't lost all. Here are some of the worst effects of the Sequester—so far:
    Page 2 of 2 - The hides of March
    · Pigs doing insurance commercials implying sexual relationships with humans.
    · Dennis Rodman as unofficial Secretary of State and new Ambassador to North Korea, garnering nuclear attack threats to the USA from Kim Jong Un.
    · A rote anti-Semite, Chuck Hagel appointed and utilizing Jewish votes in the Senate.
    · Liberal writers being pilloried by the Messiah in Office.
    · The Pope resigns.
    · Obama cancelled White House Tours to our Spring Breaking Youts.
    · Our new Secretary of State, John F. Kerry hands over $190,000,000 of your money to Egypt, a country who hates you and Israel.
    · Janet Napolitano authorizes $50 million in taxpayer money for brand new TSA uniforms so our groping feds can fondle us in style while causing us large post-sequester delays.
    Just to show my bipartisanship, allow me to humbly make a few suggestions to President Obama to soften the nightmare of Sequester lest it now affect him in his run for dictator:
    1. From now on, call Beyoncé collect.
    2. Play local public golf courses with the ORFS (Old Retired Farts).
    3. Feed Bo regular Alpo instead of imported Japanese Kobe beef.
    4. Send the Secret Service packing—unarmed!
    5. Buy a muzzle for Biden (nothing to do with saving money—I just wanted to say this.)
    6. Turn in the keys to AF1 & AF2.
    7. Instead of original showings from Hollywood wait for Netflix like the rest of us Schmucks.
    8. Repeal Obamacare.
    9. Send a Don't Spend--Across the Board Cut bill to Congress.
    10. Early retirement for you and your Administration at full pension. (Trust me—we'll manage without—somehow.)
    11. Accept the job offer as Pope even if you have to step down as Messiah.
    12. Sell your birth home in Kenya.
    13. Have the government sell back the 1.6 billion hollow point bullets and over 2700 domestic tanks they've bought in the last four years.
    Feel free to call me or my radio show for more suggestions. You, and only you, Mr. President, can call me collect. Okay Beyoncé, I guess I can make an exception for you too.
    The things I'm willing to do for my country!
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